Why is there misery is too many marriages? John Piper diagnosis it this way: "The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses." The antidote? Not to stop seeking your own pleasure, but do it as the Bible commands: "seek your own joy in the joy of your spouse."

This comes out most clearly in Eph 5:28: "In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." And how is this done? Not through selfishness but in selflessness. Eph 5:25 makes this clear using Christ's love for the Church as the very pattern of the husbands love for his wife: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." As Piper notes, "So Christ sought His own joy, yes—but He sought it in the joy of the church! That is what love does: It pursues its own joy in the joy of the beloved."

Love is not free of self-interest but it is free of selfishness (the love of self without regard for the love of others). "Selfishness seeks its own private happiness at the expense of others," while true God-centered, gospel-driven love "seeks its happiness in the happiness of the beloved." (Piper)

So for our marriages the gospel should be on full display as we seek our joy not apart from our spouse but in the holy joy of our spouse. Even our "sacrifices" become acts of joy for us.